this is a lesson that's taken me a long time to get, but when I got it? KABLAM!!! I got it, loud & crystal clear.
I have spent so much of my life . . . making lists, of things to do, of things to change, of things that will make me a 'better person'.
Things like . . .
health shit . . . IF I can just do yoga for an hour every day, eat clean, take all my supplements, do my detox work, . . . THEN I will be so much healthier, and, therefore, happier.
food shit . . . IF I could just cook healthy meals every night, if I made homemade bread for my family, if I could follow a strict meal plan, . . . THEN I will be healthier, more in control, and, therefore, happier.
business plans . . . IF I could just get this computer work done, get this post updated, send out my newsletter, get prints delivered, get that painting done, . . . THEN I will be successful, make more money, and , therefore, be happier.
cleaning house . . . IF I could just get the fridge cleaned out, go through my clothes, get caught up on laundry, sort through my jars, go through the pile of mail, dust the bookshelves, . . . THEN my house would be in order, I would feel more peace . . . & therefore, be happier.
personal shit . . . IF this person would just say they were sorry, IF this person could just support me, if this person would just (fill in the blank), IF I could just let go of (fill in the blank), IF I could learn (fill in the blank) . . . .THEN I would truly deserve love & be loved, . . . and therefore, be happy.
And, no matter how hard I try, I could never seem to get it all done, so, you see, according to the rules I set out for myself, I could never allow myself to be happy.
My recent health shit has played a huge role in me getting this lesson, but even before I got super sick, I had made a "to do" list for the day . . . running around the house, freaking out, trying to get it all done . . . and my amazing husband tried to get my attention for something, I barely stopped spinning for a minute long enough to say, "I can't! I don't have time! I have so much to do!" . . . He reached for my hand, slowing my spin, looked into my eyes and calmly said, "What? What do you HAVE to do right now?" . . . I balked. Swiped my list off the fridge & put it in his hand. He looked over every word, the whole list, and then looked up at me . . . "Sweetie, this list is crazy. This should be your list for the next month, not one day. There is NO WAY you can get all this done today. NOBODY COULD." . . .
I looked at him, tears in my eyes, "Really?"
That was almost 2 years ago. It took me getting so sick, that I couldn't get out of bed for days at a time. I would still make my "to do" lists & I would still try to do them . . . wincing in pain, tears in my eyes . . . he would come to me & say, "sweetie, you don't need to be doing this right now. You need to rest." . . . I always have a good comeback. "It needs to be done. If I don't do it, it won't get done. I am the only one who can do it." . . . After MANY of these episodes, and so many days and months of pain & struggle . . . I gave in. I started letting shit go.
I then put the BIGGEST limit on my happiness.
IF I can get healthy again, THEN I can enjoy my life and be happy.
Day after day, so much pain. Day after day, remembering what I "used to be able to do." Day after day, trying to carry on, like I did before I got sick. Day after day, thinking about how my body can barely move now & how I USED to be so flexible move so easily. Day after day, missing out on life. Skipping out on a concert I had waited months for, but we gave the tickets away at the last minute, because I couldn't stand up that day. Missing out on family gatherings, because even sitting in a chair was too painful. Day after day, putting off my happiness, until my health was restored.
Our honeymoon, the most amazing 2 & 1/2 weeks of my life. I was sick, every day but 2. One day he got super upset, "It's SO UNFAIR! This is supposed to be an amazing trip, and you're feeling like this. IT'S NOT FAIR! I want you to feel good & enjoy this! It's our HONEYMOON!" . . . That's when it hit me on a deeper level. I looked at him, "Yes, my body hurts. Yes, I physically feel like shit, BUT, I am having the most wonderful time, in this beautiful place, here with YOU. I am SO HAPPY & I wouldn't be anywhere else. This is perfect."
I think that might be a slight glimpse of acceptance. True, I couldn't go for a hike. True, sometimes we ordered in, because I couldn't go out, but my heart was SO FULL, and SO HAPPY, and SO GRATEFUL for this man who has rocked my world and shared a love with me I never knew was possible. EVERY moment with him is magic and SACRED.
I think that might have been the moment when the lightbulb went off in my head.
IF I could feel good, THEN I could enjoy it?
Sure, feeling shitty sucks ass. That's a given. I think a big part of my mental pain about the whole thing was based on "
In the midst of all the testing I had done, I got results from an abdominal ultrasound, that basically said I had liver cancer. I also had an MRI done the same day & was anxiously awaiting those results. When I called into the clinic & they told me the MRI guy was out of the office & wouldn't be in for 3 days, I began to lose my mind. I told the lady on the phone, "I know I shouldn't google, but I did, and as of this moment I have liver cancer & I'm dying." Obviously, I majorly freaked out & so she had the tech who did my ultrasound call me. "I am looking at your MRI, and I am not seeing what I saw on the ultrasound. I did see it, and that's why I put it in the report, but I am not seeing it on the MRI, and MRI's are much more precise & accurate than ultrasounds. I think you're okay." But for the 24 hours before that phone call, I believed that I had liver cancer & that I was going to die, very SOON.
Hence, another awakening.
Even while finishing this painting today, the lesson was so physically with me . . . Since I started the painting last summer & then picking up my brush to paint the tiny lines this morning . . . my hand was shaking & unsteady . . . my vision was blurred . . . the lines under my brush were crooked . . . should I wait to finish it? Should I put down my brush because I can't paint as well as I did a year ago?
I had been WAITING, to truly live, to be happy, and to allow my life to be sacred.
I had placed all of these parameters on how & when my life would be sacred.
and in that moment, I decided to be done with that.
I have decided, that My Life is Sacred, NOW.
In this moment, with the dirty laundry, and the pile of mail, and the pizza for dinner, and the non-doing of yoga, and the ache in my bones, and the burning in my muscles, and the pain that keeps me in bed . . . THIS moment, IS SACRED.
In this moment, I am alive, and I am surrounded by LOVE, and I am full of LOVE . . .
No more waiting. No more IF ... THEN...
This beautiful, horrible, glorious moment . . .
My Life is Sacred, NOW.
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