addicted to pain. / by Erica Kathleen

I must admit . . .

I've gotten swept away in a whirlwind of emotional & physical pain.

I've been working on healing my physical pain, which started out this summer, as a trip to the ER & a diagnosis of gallstones. Months & months & months of debilitating & deteriorating physical health & a new "dis-ease", fibromyalgia. I've been working my ASS OFF trying to "fix this"! My monkey mind feels the NEED to figure things out, to find the "why" behind everything, to DIG & excavate  . . .
I've been reading, researching, digging . . . working on the physical part with acupuncture, massage, TRE's, yoga, whatever I can think of.
I have unconsciously allowed myself to get swept up & consumed by this new "story" of pain. I have made this my "new identity". Hell YES, the pain is real. Fuck YES, the trauma I have uncovered is real. Holy shit, YES there are things that needed to be acknowledged & dealt with, but, MYGOD, did I ever get swept away in the "STORY".
Wow. HOLY SHIT. Wow.
It wasn't until yesterday, in a thai massage session with a very dear friend & energy worker . . . laying on my back, all of the sudden, it was clear as DAY & I said to her, "I think I'm addicted to pain!? WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"
For real. Did I REALLY need to dig that far? Did I REALLY need to let it consume my every waking thought? Did I REALLY need to go, "oh YES, this is who I AM."?  . . . ummmmmm. No. I did not.
So, this is a pretty, spanking, brand-new realization I've got goin' on & it's kind of blowing my mind. BIG TIME.
My friend sent me this link this morning, about pain addiction & it rings true & completely makes sense. Right? Right.
It's so weird & awesome how everything is intertwined. Everything. I have been uncovering, through acupuncture, alot of repressed memories & feelings from when I was a little girl. Things that are pretty rough & painful, so my brain (thanks, brain), stuffed them away, so I could get through it. But now that I am not a little girl, or even the girl who was married to the abusive husband, I have certain things, patterns, ways of reacting to the world . . . that were put in place when I was in a scary, unsafe, uncertain, painful world. 
My world is completely different today. So, the challenge that lies ahead, is not the digging & feeling of incredible pain & sadness that I thought it was . . . the challenge is to recognize old behaviors, old thought patterns, old ways of reacting to my OLD world . . . that are no longer valid & no longer serve me. In a sense, it is re-wiring my brain. For real.
It's awesome & exciting & liberating & scary. 
Who am I without my pain?
I remember after I got divorced, there came a moment, when I was soooo sick & fucking tired of being the "victim", of this "poor girl" who had gone through this nightmare. I was DONE being her. I was DONE with that STORY. Then, for a split second, I was fucking TERRIFIED . . . "If I'm not the victim, who am I? If i'm not his wife, who am I? If I am no longer this person that I have been for 20 years . . . WHO AM I???" Terrified. But then, in that same moment, the terror gave way to excitement, "I can be whoever the fuck I WANT TO BE!"
Wow. Yes. At that same moment, right now.

Letting go of the "STORY".

Deeeeep breaths. Self love. Compassion. Not beating myself up. Embracing this journey as much as I possibly can.


p.s. I've been reading a lot of amazing books that have helped me on my journey. You can see them HERE

OH YES! I have 4 lots of Clearance art 123, & 4!

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