everything was loud. everything was bright. everything felt chaotic. i felt sensitive & vulnerable. "you know what to do. make your cocoon. it is time.", i heard. and so, i did. 9 days ago i went off facebook & went inside myself.
i wasn't sure what the outcome would be, i just knew it needed to happen.
here's how my brain works: BIG & in COMPLETED GOALS. you see, i have a hard time with small steps & small goals & the 'in between' phase. i want to go from where i am now, to where my brain SEES me after all the work is done. (my brain completely SKIPS the steps it will take to get there.) my brain works in pictures, big, beautiful, full color, moving, dancing pictures . . . & i see the END result, almost to a fault. with everything. i see the POTENTIAL, rather than what it is in that moment. i do that with people too. i SEE potential.
so, i've been wanting to do this cleanse . . . it's like a week long, no food, crazy detox cleanse kind of a thing. i've had it in my mind for awhile that i am going to do this cleanse & get rid of all the built up toxins & when it's over i will be this peppy, sparkly, full of energy, amazing being. sounds, awesome, right?
so, my first waking up, unplugged from social media, i figured was a brilliant day to start this cleanse. i am also working with a friend of mine, who is a magic fairy (reiki & healing flower powers), and i thought, "sure, this will all be great!"
i missed my blog post & newsletter last week, because i was flat on my back in bed, (actually, i'm pretty sure i was in the fetal position. in tears). EVERYTHING HURT. my brain hurt. my eyes hurt. every muscle in my body hurt. my stomach hurt. and my heart hurt, ALOT.
i wasn't eating (cause the cleanse instructions said no to, and i was damn determined to do this the right way.) i was drinking water. i was chugging organic apple juice mixed with this 'toxin absorber', that i'm sure it's entire purpose was to kill me, SLOWLY.
being NOT plugged in to social media . . . i have slowly realized something. facebook is a really good god-damned way to distract yourself, FROM YOURSELF.
laying there, feeling like i was dying, i wanted to reach for my phone & plug back in . . . but i didn't. i wanted to read about someone else's life. i wanted someone to tell me that it would be ok. i wanted, SO BADLY, to NOT feel, what i was FEELING, (which, turns out, was more than feeling like i was dying).
the second morning, my flower fairy friend texted me & i told her what was going on. she basically advised me to pull back on my crazy-ass, over-the-top, detox mission . . . my liver was working overtime & couldn't handle it . . . letting go . . . releasing . . . physically, obviously, right? that's what a detox is, yes? physical cleansing.
or so i thought. but physical is tied to emotional. yes, i know this. but sometimes i forget, until i am reminded so HUGELY that it knocks me on my ass & i can't deny it.
flower fairy sent me reiki & flower magic & prescribed: food & rest. THANK GOD. (i think i actually thanked her, when she told me to eat).
so . . . here i was on day 2 of this . . . laying in bed (cause i literally couldn't sustain vertical for more than 2 minutes) . . . hurting, physically, SO BAD. every atom of my human body was screaming. laying there, TRYING to just fall asleep . . . and then it started, little clips, like a snapshot. like a camera taking snapshots. FLASH! FLASH! FLASH! . . . cool, right? NO. not so much. these snapshots were like ugly fucking flashbacks of bad shit from my past. memories that were hidden. memories that my brain, in protecting me, stuffed away somewhere . . . (maybe in my body, and this goddamned detox made come back out?)
i think i actually said out loud, "NO. go away! i don't need you. i'm done with you. you're not welcome here." . . . (body screaming, fetal position, snapshots flashing) . . . then something WEIRD happened . . . i took a few really deep breaths & said (outloud again), "ok. go ahead. show me what i need to see." GULP. . . . then the snapshots turned into movie clips. little movies playing in my mind. the exact scenario, just how it happened, in my brain. they were short, like 5-10 seconds. and as soon as one finished, another started. it was shitty. these weren't pretty memories. these were ugly & painful & they just played. they wanted to be SEEN, i guess, by the me that i am today. makes sense, right? because the me i was when these things happened, no longer exists. even the me i was a year ago, no longer here.
these memories wanted to be seen & FELT by the ME i have become. the ME who has been working so hard to heal & open her heart. the ME who sees and FEELS so very differently than the me of a few years ago.
there were many memories, but the ones that hurt the most, were the ones with my kids. the ones where i saw their innocent, little faces. the ones where i felt the pain in their hearts. the ones where their father was yelling at their mother. the ones where their mother put up with abuse. the ones where their mother closed part of herself off. the ones where their mother lost herself. the ones where their mother was weak. the ones where their mother was someone i don't even recognize today. the ones where their mother was quiet and scared. the ones where their mother showed them what marriage & love is about, and it was COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. the ones where their mother showed them, that when someone loves you, they hurt you.
laying there, tears streaming down my face, the pain in my body was instantly the same pain in my heart, and i, outloud, said, "OUCH! fucking OWWW!" like i just got cut open with the blade of truth. FUCKING OWWW. not, "poor me. i'm a victim. look what he did to me. look what he did to us." no. not that. no more of that.
it was overwhelming. it was painful. it was growing pains like i've never felt before. AND IT FUCKING HURT!!!
it took me a few days to catch my breath, but when i did, i brought my 3 kids into one room and sat with them, and had a conversation we've never had before. it HURT, in the most amazing & freeing way.
"i am SO sorry. i am sorry that you saw the ugly things you did. i am sorry for the nasty things you heard. i am sorry that i showed you what love is NOT, and called it love. i am SO SORRY that i showed you the wrong things. i PRAY that i left soon enough. i PRAY that you know now, that was all wrong. i PRAY that you can see NOW, what real love is. Love is not yelling. Love is not screaming. Love is not making someone feel bad. love is not changing yourself for someone else. love is not small. love is not petty. love is not ugly. love doesn't intentionally inflict pain. i fucked up. i fucked up HUGE, for alot of years. i was wrong. i made mistakes. i am SOOOOO FUCKING SORRY for all of the ugly things i showed you.
PLEASE give me another chance. PLEASE let me show you NOW, what Love IS. LOVE is kindness. LOVE is caring. LOVE is accepting. LOVE is giving. LOVE is nurturing. LOVE is gentle. LOVE is kind. LOVE feels good. LOVE fills you up. LOVE is SAFE.
I love you SOOOO MUCH. I am SOOO sorry for my mistakes. PLease forgive me."
So. Ya. that happened. it blew my mind & my heart wide open. i had no idea when i was told to make my cocoon, or go off facebook, or start a detox . . . that this would happen.
OUCH. it hurts. in the best way a pain could possibly hurt.
onion layer #367 peeled away. check.
now, i sleep.
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