so, the day I wrote my last blog post, I was kind of a mess. Exhausted from the physical pain, I wrote. Then almost immediately after, I found myself at church.
This isn't a church with a sign out front, or walls, or pews or sermons. This is my church. I drive up the canyon, I walk down a windy path, I wade through the cold water and find my seat on the river's edge. THIS is my church. THIS is where I connect with Spirit. THIS is where my answers come. Every single time.
I sit & I talk. I talk, just like I'm talking to a friend. I say, out loud, everything that is in my head & my heart, & I talk until the answer comes out of my own mouth. This day was no different.
I said, "Bring it! Let's do this! Let's pull out all this anger & deal with it!" . . . and then something awesome happened. There was NO ANGER about my past. NONE. There was no emotion. No hurt. Nothing to forgive. That work had been done. I tried again, digging deeper, and deeper . . . NOTHING. I really had worked through it. I really had forgiven. I really had moved on.
The physical stuff that ended me up in the ER was there, but it is OLD, and I knew that. I knew that I had been feeling that pain for years & years & years. It took 20 years for it to get like that & it wasn't about to disappear after one week of eating good food. The emotional/spiritual work to heal it had been DONE, and now, what is left, is the PHYSICAL work, the NUTRITION & self care that I have already started. I AM on the right path.
Of course, learning a new way of living & caring for my body is not as quick as surgery, that's obvious. But surgery will not teach me how to take care of myself. Surgery will not teach me how to lovingly create whole food meals to nourish my body. Surgery will not help me create a yoga routine. Surgery will not help me to acknowledge when I am tired & need to rest. Surgery will not help me develop a new water drinking habit. Surgery would serve one purpose: to REMOVE a part of me that, for YEARS, was trying to communicate with me & teach me what I needed to look at & deal with. Surgery would cut out the most important step in this journey, ALLOWING me to LEARN to love & care for my body, on my own.
I always try to find the lesson in life's hard moments. I ask, "What is this trying to teach me?" . . . and after over half of my lifetime, I get it. My lesson here, Speak UP, Stand UP. Don't play martyr. Don't play victim. Don't suffer in silence. DON'T SWALLOW YOUR FUCKING TRUTH. Period.
And, despite what some people might think I should or shouldn't do, this is my journey, and I am not a skip stepper.
What DID come up, while I was up the mountain, talking to Spirit was this . . . I have been feeling resentful. Resentful that my children's father chooses to see them once a year. Resentful that he doesn't show up at Christmas. Resentful that he lets them down. Resentful that he doesn't even know them.
But, as quickly as it came out of my mouth, I felt Spirit's hand on my shoulder, my heart cracked open a little wider & my words changed. Drastically.
"Thank you, for him not being in their lives. Thank you, for him living 1,000 miles away. Thank you, for him not being a daily influence on them. Thank you. THANK YOU. OHDEARGOD THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Thank you for the amazing man who has CHOSEN to be in our lives. Thank you for the man who IS a daily influence in their lives. Thank you for him being the most kind & generous & loving man I have ever known. Thank you for this man, who is a GIFT, who shows them love & compassion & empathy & selflessness. Thank you for this man, who was not around when they were conceived, but, who CHOOSES TO SHOW UP FOR THEM, DAILY. Thank you for this man who CHOOSES to be in their lives, who CHERISHES every moment with them, who LOVES them as if they were his own.
THANK YOU for these amazing, beautiful, resilient kids. Thank you for their love & their lessons & their forgiveness & their LIGHT. Thank you for our safety. Thank you for our home. THANK YOU FOR OUR LIVES TOGETHER. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
And, just like that, Spirit had set me straight.
And so, with new gratitude & focus, my journey continues. This chapter: Nutrition. (whole foods, water, moving my body, rest, love)
I can do this. I AM doing this.
Thanks for being here.
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pps. In the spirit of cleansing, purging & releasing, I am having a BOGO sale in my shop. This includes regular priced prints & cards. It does not include clearance prints, originals, canvases, or custom pieces. The sale will last ONE WEEK ONLY. When you place your order, Include a note, telling me what you want for FREE!
Buy one get one FREE on regular priced prints & cards of same or lesser value.