"FIGHTER" is tattooed on my inner left wrist.
I fought because I had to. I fought for my life & my freedom & my kids & a new life.
I fought for years to get away from emotional abuse & narcissism, controlling & crazy making.
I fought in court. I fought the ugliest battles I would never wish on my worst enemies.
In a 20 year relationship, I fought every day for my sanity, my self esteem, . . . everything, was a fight.
I've been free from that fight for about 5 years now
And only now am I beginning to realize that I don't know how NOT to fight.
It's like that's my body's default mode. It just is. That's what it knows.
And now that I don't NEED to fight, I can feel the poison of the fight built up in my bones. I can feel it in my tensed shoulders and the knots in my stomach & the muscles in my hips that are strung so tight, if I was a guitar, and you plucked me . . . I'd break.
Even though my brain KNOWS that I am safe & loved . . . my body is still in fight or flight & it's done. It's done fighting. It's done flinching, tensing, waiting to be punched. It is SO fucking done.
Most of you know I have been pretty sick for the last year. I'm still trying to figure out what "it" is & I think it's turning out to be many things.
I've been pretty obsessed with figuring it out. I want to be better. I want to feel better. I want to feel healthy. I want to be ok.
But even in figuring out the illness, it's almost like I've been fighting.
Fighting with my muscles. Fighting with the doctors. Fighting with the test results. Fighting.
I'm soon tired of fighting.
I am tired of fighting with MYSELF.
In a moment of complete & utter breakdown the other night, when an ultrasound was read wrong & I was convinced I was going to die, soon, I fell to my knees in tears, sobbing, breathing . . .
and in that moment, all there was, was LOVE.
In that moment, all I wanted to do was LOVE this body.
I didn't want to fight the sickness anymore.
I didn't want to fight with the doctors or my muscles, or this beautiful body who has carried me through so much.
I just wanted to LOVE this body.
Wholly, completely, as it is, in this moment.
So, I am going to do my very best to leave the boxing gloves on the shelf, and LOVE this body with everything I've got.
Real food = LOVE.
Gentle movement = LOVE.
Sweet rest = LOVE.
Relaxing baths = LOVE
The focus has shifted from "what's wrong with me?" to "what can I do in this moment to LOVE & honor my body?"
That's where it's at for me.
It's a novel concept.
Wish me luck.
ps. I am off Facebook again. It's just too much. So, If you have a friend or loved one who might benefit from this post, please share.