Hold on y’all shits about to get real good up in here.
Wait for it.
wait for it . . .
Lately, I’ve been having a really, reeeaaally, rough go of things, mentally and physically. It’s been one doctors appointment after another. When I look on the calendar I only know what day it is because of what doctors appointment is next. Nothing else exciting to look forward to. . . .
I have a specialist appointment and tests scheduled for the next week.
Could be huge. Could be nothing. My mind tends to run on the side of the worst possible scenario.
I remember thinking "what if this is it? what if this is the big thing?"
I remember looking at my husband and saying "what if this test comes back and it’s not good news? what if the doctor tells me that I have six months to live? I can sure as shit tell you that if I have six months to live I don’t want to be doing what I’m fucking doing. As it is, I have so little energy, that what I do have, I don’t want to spend it on the computer doing business stuff."
and then after a moment, I looked at him and said . . . "You know what? Actually, even if the tests come back ok, I have such a small amount of time in a day that I feel ok, I don’t want to do it anymore. I just don’t. I feel so completely empty & depleted. I only have so much. My energy is GOLD. I want to tend to it & nurture it & only spend it on the most amazing of things, that fill me up."
And that’s when I decided to close my shop and only open it for a few days every couple of months.
That's when I told the handful of people who've been patiently waiting for me to finish their portraits, that I wasn't going to.
That's when I decided that doing things that FILL ME UP is now my number one priority.
That's when I made me, my number one priority.
a huge sigh of relief. I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from me, and then, THIS painting came out. It came out of the space that I created & it felt soooo good.
. . . a few days later . . .
I had been in bed for four days in a row, not in super amounts of pain, but just so exhausted, so empty, no energy to do anything. All I was doing was laying in bed. Then I got the idea to watch "Into the Wild", which I have seen before and I LOOOOOVE, and I had just been thinking about it and wanted to watch it.
The part when he burns his Social Security card and cuts up his drivers license and gives all the money to charity and just takes off to go LIVE. . . . . aaaaaahhhhhhhh . . . I have this huge smile on my face and my heart so full of joy and hope and then moments later . . . I feel tears streaming down my face and I realized . . . I want SOOOO badly to do that. . . too drop off the grid, to be anonymous, to go have fucking grand adventures . . . and the tears . . . were because . . . I couldn’t.
I’ve always wanted to do something like that and now I can’t.
Dear sweet sweet husband sees me breaking down and asks what’s wrong. I tell him I want to do something like that. I want to go LIVE & have GRAND adventures, but I can’t.
He looks at me "why not?!" . . .
me, "Come on! Kids, responsibilities, SICK, feel like shit, can’t move. Look at me! There's no way I could do that."
He’s like "Yeah you can do it! DO IT!!!" . . .
ok. maybe I can?
Then I start spinning and the adventure planning begins. First it was just going somewhere for the weekend. Maybe an AirB&B, because really how much can I do? I can't sleep outside. My body couldn't handle it. How far can I go? I have lots of big limitations physically. Then I start thinking, maybe a cabin for three or four days?
Then the next day sweet husband comes home and I’m in tears.
"I can’t go."
"Why not?!" After I had been laying in bed all day, in pain and exhausted "Look at me! I can’t go like this. I can't do it LIKE THIS!! I can’t. I CAN'T!!!"
and then, said sweetheart, reminds me of my "in-betweens" painting. My "in-betweens" story. Our "in-betweens" honeymoon, the best two weeks of my life and I was sick almost the whole time. I couldn’t do much, but it was the most wonderful two weeks of my life. He’s so smart.
And then the wheels began to spin again.
I CAN DO IT! I can go on a trip. I can do stuff. and if I feel bad or I’m tired, I can lay down wherever I am. I can rest. I can lay down and be in pain, in this body, somewhere beautiful. I CAN.
like the Little Engine That Could.
I think I can
I think I can
I think I can
So as the days went by, my obsession changed from doctors appointments and medical tests & googling medical shit, to how I would turn the Subaru into a camper.
I ordered a camp stove.
I sewed curtains for the Subaru.
I ordered comfy, warm, blue-gray long johns.
I packed my camp chair & my art supplies.
I packed my favorite stout & a fresh bottle of sunblock.
and guess what?
I DID IT!!!
in the woods.
into the wild ;)
let me tell you friends, those empty wells, were filled back up to overflowing.
and I, now have a new favorite thing,
going solo, into the wild.
I'm was planning my next one a few days after I got home.
That painting up at the top . . . not finished, and, I think maybe I'll make a fun rule for myself that I can only work on it when I'm in the wild.
speaking of that, the sun is shining & my hearts needs to go.
I love you, my wild hearts.
See you after my next grand adventure.
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