unlovable / by Erica Kathleen

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You know that whole, “You’ll never find someone to love you, until you love yourself, and are whole all by yourself.” ??
For the record... is total and complete horse shit.
For 2,310 days, this man has loved me. UNCONDITIONALLY.
I am yet to “be whole”.
I am yet to “love myself.”
And not for one minute of one of those 2,310 days, has he wavered.
Not one minute.
My therapist told me, “He’s your biggest trigger.”
Which, at first, I was pissed, and like “No fucking way.”
Then it seeped in.
Of course he is.
He IS the physical manifestation of everything that challenges me.
Do you see?
Just by existing.
Just by loving me.
I have, what we call in therapy, “core negative beliefs” about myself.
These aren’t in my head, and can’t be “fixed” by talking or thinking therapies (Complex PTSD).
These beliefs are in my body, my bones, my cells.
They can only be healed by going into my body and FEELING them.
I believe “I am unlovable.”
... for 2,310 days, this man has shown me, unequivocally, that he loves me.
I believe “I am broken.”
... for 2,310 days, he has shown me, that I am amazing, always, and never once made me feel damaged or broken.
So... do you see?
His presence in my life, PROVES that my beliefs are not true.
So, yes, when I’m feeling broken and unlovable, and he’s by my side, loving the shit out of me, with stars in his eyes... it triggers my stuff.
I also believe that this is the only way I could find my way to healing.
So the next time someone tells you, “You’ll never find someone until you love yourself” ... PLEASE remember this. 💛

xo, EK